Trying/Resting

I really, really enjoyed that few-week break in treatment. It was so fantastic —not having as many appointments or lots of things each day reminding me of all of the logistics and administrative necessities of treatment. Even more important, feeling better was so welcome, as I began healing from chemo.

During the first week or so of radiation, I wasn’t feeling much extra tiredness from treatment — it was mostly just me reminding myself to be patient with the after-effects of chemo.

A lot of things are getting noticeably, mercifully better. This last week I wore contacts and rode the bus for the first time in six months! I mean, technically, I guess I did both AT THE SAME TIME, though it’s not like I put the contacts in while riding the bus or something crazy like that.

It feels super weird for such mundane things to feel like milestones, or at least worthy of extra notice and excitement, but they are. And I am really so, SO thankful for my healthier eyes, immune system and skin.

It’s just that it’s easy to get a little discouraged, because there are a lot of other things that will take their own sweet time to heal, too. It’s tricky to balance my excitement at the marvel that is a healing body and desire to do normal-life-things with the sheer crappiness of how I still often feel physically.

Should I push myself more? It feels good to have goals and good to meet them. Will that make me feel better? Should I rest? Wait, wait, was that TOO much rest? Was that too much pushing? Ok, cool — finally found some other forms of exercise that feel good or, at a minimum don’t hurt. Oh WAIT! I have to stop doing that one for a few weeks because of treatment? Ok, never mind, I HAVE NO IDEA if I’m on the right track here.

I’m generally not a neurotic person, but man, the conflicting feelings about this energy ebb and flow make me feel like one.

Radiation itself feels like such a daily routine at this point that other than on the days (today, whew!) when I get stuck in an appointment for waaaaay longer than I would have expected (all ya can do is read and roll with it), I have to remind myself that yes, this is still totally active treatment.

Still, I’m getting closer to completing even that, little but little. Just about one month more to go, and I’ll be there. I just have to be patient with still feeling kinda fried and tired, and taking the necessary breaks and breathers as I get there.

So, thanks now and in advance to all the folks who have been kind to me even when I’ve seemed slow or not-100% there. I’m trying. But, ya know, like not TOO hard, like bad-hard. Ha! Trying and resting, trying and resting.