Grace in the Midst of Grief

Astonished. I honestly can’t even believe it. Still, after a few days of having the kindest notes and texts roll in, the cutest animal pictures and videos, the most heartfelt expressions of affection, the offers of practical support, the gift cards, the offers to drop off food, the sharing of personal stories of your own hard times and what got you through.

The sending of love, of care, of prayers, of spells, of intentions. The out-of-the-blue reassurances that something I’ve done or said or been a part of has been important to you. It’s hard to wrap my brain around the sheer outpouring of support, the amount of energy (or however you envision whatever that thing, that force is) beaming my way. A deep and expansive blessing. 

And then, of course there’s the money. Which, I admit, can sound and feel totally crass. (And thank you, Onna, Amanda, and Jo for actually making that GFM part happen!). But, we all know that in our current country and medical system, that it’s truly a concern and money is a potential buffer. Even with insurance.

I’m still just now paying off debts from going through this seven years ago (it me!). Thankfully, my insurance is supposedly better this time, but I won’t really believe that ‘til I see it. I know more now about all the assistance programs nobody tells you about and aren’t easy to find, so hopefully that knowledge helps too. 

Really, it’s what all of your generosity represents to me. That’s what has me so overwhelmed with thankfulness and gratitude for knowing so many amazing, giving, loving people. Despite the cruel bad luck of cancer, I am immensely lucky. I already knew that, but I do think it’s so valuable to be reminded of that at a time like this. I am deeply humbled. 

Things still feel so brutal, and scary, and sad. Some of the supports I thought I could rely on have already fallen away, and I’m only six weeks in. AND, at the same time, so many more have shown up! I know I am held up by my community. I am loved, and in a way it doesn’t even matter if I deserve it or not. 

It’s grace. It’s the closest word I can find. Not in a religious sense, but in a “we take care of each other,” sense. In a way that gets at something that I kept feeling an reminding myself of seven years ago, and as I was healing:

“You’ll be given love
You’ll be taken care of
You’ll be given love
You have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at

Twist your head around
It’s all around you
All is full of love
All around you”

Of course, I couldn’t include a Bjork song without sending it out in honor of sweet Jingles, aka Ayron, who is dearly missed. These last few months sure have been harsh to so many folks I love.

Thank you for being my love(s), for showing me your own strength in your generosity of spirit, for being brave enough to love, for continuing the circles of care we provide for each other. I cannot even begin to express how much this means to me, but this is my attempt. SO much love to you all. May we face the hard things together. 

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